Jen Kirkman Quotes

I just remember a creepy sex-ed teacher putting a banana on a condom and then saying, "It goes in the girl if she gets all juicy." We didn't even believe it. We were like, "Well, that's weird."

There have been many times in my life where I got opportunities that I never thought would be the things that I needed, so I'm always saying, "I want to do this but whatever the universe thinks is right, I'm open." Because otherwise it causes me so much pain if I don't get what I want. It's my least favorite thing.

People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags."

In terms of what happened to Amy [Schumer], if that happened to me I would be like, "Yes, please leave." But I toured a lot. I started as an opening feature act touring a lot during the [George W.] Bush years, like around 2007. I was touring during the [Barack] Obama election - the first one with [Sarah] Palin and [John] McCain - and I talked to crowds about that and they were always split down the middle.

I finally understand that it’s okay to be a little afraid of things but that obsessing over them does not mean you have any more control over what you fear.

I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to have kids. I'm doing what I want to do and people who want kids are doing what they want to do. What about this scenario makes me selfish?

Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.

I don't have anything to do all year. I'm not on tour until September.

I always try to be open to whatever the universe wants from me.

Let's say I was like, "I'm going to write a book this year," which I'm not. Let's just say that was it. Then it would be for the joy of writing it. It wouldn't be like, "And it's going to be No. 1 and I'm going to get rich and go on a book tour and own a library." I don't know the difference between doing what I normally do and making a resolution. And if it doesn't happen, then I'm going to be miserable.

I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.

I mean, I can't say that I've had many deep thoughts because I traveled alone, but it's good to be with myself in the quiet.

I find it actually the height of romance to legally bind yourself to someone because you're really taking care of someone, and letting them take care of you. I actually have no cynicism about that.

I am just really focused in on what I love doing, but I would be a moron to not take some of my natural talent - I'm not saying I'm that talented, but I have enough acting and writing talent to go.

My brain does like the idea of hosting a late-night show. My brain does like the idea of maybe having a show about me. So, I often pitch ideas and work on scripts and do that just because I may not be right about how I feel, so why not just do this, and if it happens and I got my own show, well maybe I would really end up falling in love with it.

I have no choice sometimes, but there's something about being alone. When I'm alone I might not speak for 24 hours, but you're totally seeing things. It's a pretty cool experience.

What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.

I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, "This is the best way for people to find out about me.

Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.

I try to minimize the noise, and I don't use Facebook except for my fan page, and I don't look at anything. It's getting a lot easier.

I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.

The whole notion that I don't appeal to the demographic - all my fans are young men. Someone asked me the other day, "So are your shows just full of 40-year-old single women?" I'm like, "I would be rich if that were true."

If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would do. That way, I could do less shows a year.

If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.