Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!
If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.
I tried to make the punchline as close to the setup as I could. And I thought that was the perfect thing. If I could make the setup and the punchline identical to each other, I would create a different kind of joke.
We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.
Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.
I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.
You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.
When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
I sort of have open invitations from a lot of people to do TV. But it's very hard for me to do roles in sitcoms and movies because I'm not a great actor, so if the material isn't good, I'm in torment while I do it.
The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.
I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.
Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.
The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of heat, too. Obviously it gets criticism fairly, too. But a lot of it is because Lorne [Michaels] lets the audience decide and doesn't force them to laugh.
I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.
Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.
[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].
I never do impressions, but I probably should. People like that stuff.
I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.
There's that saying, "I don't know art, but I know what I like." The inverse is kind of true. I know art, but I don't know what I like. You get so immersed in it that nothing appeals to you.
A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.
In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.
It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
