Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.
Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.
I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
It is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.
OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'
I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!
Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
