Robin Williams Quotes about Funny

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.

If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.