Roseanne Barr Quotes - Page 7

I didn't know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don't even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.

Putting measures like gay marriage on ballots for elections only hurts the gay rights cause and elects more conservative politicians.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

The American people are sick and tired of this ‘lesser evil’ garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they’re in office...

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?!

I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.

I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

Everyone in America (according to my generalizations) is a potential millionaire waiting for his or her big break. I was astonished lately to realize that Americans are definitely believing in and planning for the future, despite the fact that they elected Ronald Reagan twice.

It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.

Laugh every day as much as you can.

I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.