Scott Adams Quotes - Page 11

Dogbert: So, Since Columbus is dead, you have no evidence that the earth is round. Dilbert: Look. You can Ask Senator John Glenn. He orbited the earth when he was an astronaut. Dogbert: So, your theory depends on the honesty of politicians. Dilbert: Yes... no, wait.

By definition, risk-takers often fail. So do morons. In practice it's difficult to sort them out.

Failure is a resource that can be managed.

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.

Management is nature's way of removing idiots from the productive flow.

Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.

Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead.

I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.

Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.

Computers and rocket ships are examples of invention, not of understanding. ... All that is needed to build machines is the knowledge that when one thing happens, another thing happens as a result. It's an accumulation of simple patterns. A dog can learn patterns. There is no "why&rdqo"; in those examples. We don't understand why electricity travels. We don't know why light travels at a constant speed forever. All we can do is observe and record patterns.

Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words.

Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands... uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know... I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, Write bad checks all over the place, Flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, Get a divorce and lose your house, ...uh... dosey-do.

As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws.

The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be that stabbin Dilbert guy.

When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.