I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
