Zach Galifianakis Quotes about Funny

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I call my balls the bush twins.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.