Bob Newhart Quotes

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail.

I still feel thirty, except when I try to run.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it.

It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.

Don't ever have two dogs. That way you won't know which one to blame.

A collison is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian.

All I can say about life is, 'Oh God, enjoy it!'

There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.

I am a minimalist. I like saying the most with the least.

Cell phones have gotten so small, you can't tell who's a cell phone user and who's a schizophrenic.

Well, if you’re a native Chicagoan, you know how dumb he [Dr. Robert Hartley] is. He gets on the Ravenswood El, he goes past his stop on Sheridan Road, he gets off in Evanston, where the El is on the ground, and then he walks back 55 blocks to his apartment. Now, would you want to have that man as a psychologist? A man who misses his stop every day?

But I really believe that if you have the ability, there is an obligation to make people laugh

I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.

More and more, as I get older, people come up to me and say, 'Thank you for all the laughter.' And my standard answer is, 'It was my pleasure.' But that's the truth.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.

I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.

I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.

You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

Sometimes you forget you're famous. You wonder, Why is that person staring at me?

I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.