Andy Rooney Quotes - Page 7

Soap, like people, shouldn't smell like anything.

Great teachers are usually a little crazy.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 +, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.

It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

Finding the tool is often half the battle.

Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.

Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

Art is a by-product of an honest and successful attempt to do something well.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.

Every one starts out being an atheist.

There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.

Person-to-person, most people are honest.

We can all be prouder to be human beings, because that's what they were. They make up for a lot of liars, cheats, and terrorists among us.

One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.