Andy Rooney Quotes - Page 6

My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.

Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.

The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Numbers tend to give the impression that there's more order in the world than there is.

Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless boobs who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.

Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

The best thing about a vacation is planning it.

By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable

The one affectation I have forced on the publisher... are my apostrophe-free ellisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell 'don't' with an apostrophe. I spell it 'dont'. We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like 'dont' printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter.

I am an atheist... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.

I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.

Ugly is very popular this year...I had a feeling these clothes were deigned by someone who didn't like women.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

In Washington, a confidential assistant is someone who, if you don't want to know something, you go and ask him and he won't tell you.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.