Andy Rooney Quotes

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

Being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef.

Teachers who have plugged away at their jobs for twenty, thirty, and forty years are heroes. I suspect they know in their hearts they've done a good thing, too, and are more satisfied with themselves than most people are. Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class.