I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'
I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
What do gardeners do when they retire?
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now
