Bill Bailey Quotes - Page 2

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.