Spike Milligan Quotes

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.