You might as well like yourself; just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you.
For those who understand, no explaination is needed...For those who don't, none will do.
When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.
If you think childlike, you'll stay young. If you keep your energy going, and do everything with a little flair, you're gunna stay young. But most people do things without energy, and they atrophy their mind as well as their body. You have to think young, you have to laugh a lot, and you have to have good feelings for everyone in the world, because if you don't, it's going to come inside, your own poison, and it's over.
People say, "How would you like to be remembered?" I don't want to be remembered. Gimme a break. What I want is to hear what's great about me now. Let me hear it! In the box you don't hear these eulogies.
I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already.
I've had great success being a total idiot.
I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can't get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That's in friendship, that's a deal, that's a commitment. Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.
It'll keep you alive for another 10 years if you get yourself a laugh once a day: either provoke it, or look around in the wildest laboratory in the world, the public.
The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
I get paid for what most kids get punished for.
Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.
I don't want to be remembered. I want the nice words when I can hear them.
You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.
I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.
The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.
A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.
Adrenaline is wonderful. It covers pain. It covers dementia. It covers everything.
People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.
Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.
(The Nutty Professor) was a labor of love. It was a total film. It was the most productive, creative work of my life.
If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, heart, sickle cell, anemia, name it. It is - it's hitting 70 million Americans.
A lot of people resent that I've been in someone's life for 50 years. Why shouldn't people have an affection for me and what I've done? Didn't I have to be genuine for them to buy into what I did? There are children who grow up today who will not have that when they're 55 years old. With whom will they have it? Name an example for me.
I think the cartoons that they're children are watching, particularly 'The Simpsons,' they're OK. I think that the adult audience is making much too much of the danger that they imply. That's not the case. The danger for children today, honey, is the news. Keep them away from news on television.
