Bill Engvall Quotes - Page 3

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he's like "there's a golf shot. That's a golf shot." Well of course it's a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don't see Gretzky skating around going "there's a hockey shot, that's a hockey shot."

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

I've never read a kayak manual, but I'm pretty sure page one says 'Use in water.'

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.

You can't climb a tile wall.

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.