A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.
Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.
The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.
I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.
I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.
I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.
It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.
If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?
Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.
I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.
Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?
There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.
Ladies, apologies, but isn't 'vintage' just used stuff?
Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.
Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.
I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.
My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.
Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.
There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.
