Rita Rudner Quotes

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.