I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that Ive had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitzs play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?
It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.
I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.
I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!
If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?
When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.
Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.
Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.
A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.
My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.
The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.
I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.
Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.
People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.
I become a chameleon for wherever I am.
I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.
You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.
Everyone I love I pay.
