Chris Rock Quotes - Page 8

Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year, and the coldest-just in case we want to have a parade

I am just here to support the President of the United States. President of the United States is our boss, but he is also... you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen, and when you don't it will usually bite you on the ass later on. So, I'm here to support the President.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!

I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

It used to take years to become a junkie. But crack cut that down to 37 minutes.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

The thing about Barack Obama, just from being around him, is he's cooler than the other politicians, but just nerdy enough to do the job. Like you can't be really cool and be the president.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?

I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian.

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. Oh my God, they're $4 million in the hole.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager... Boy, was I wrong!

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

I believe you got my property?

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, Duh, where are all the famous people?

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.