It's my genius plan of avoiding any career momentum whatsoever. Definitely the pop-culture thing is something I've avoided in my act. It's just too transitory and ephemeral.
There's something so awesome about being able to get up in front of a microphone and do exactly what you want. Stand-up is as close as you're ever going to get to being 100 percent in control of a situation artistically, and I don't understand why people wouldn't want to keep doing that.
I had no choice but to make me as a comedian, because I am not particularly gifted with a lot of marketable skills. Unless I really want to spend the rest of my life temping, or teaching drama to third-graders, I don't have a lot of other options - which is freeing, in a way. I never have to say, "Well, I could always go back to law school."
If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.
I joined a gym recently. I don't have the best history in the world of sticking with my fitness regimens, but I feel like this time's gonna be different. I figure one of two things is gonna happen: either I'll get into shape, or I'll just resign myself to paying an $85 a month fat tax.
If I could go back and talk to the me who was just starting to do comedy, I would have told myself to relax and not worry about things happening right away. That's a mistake a lot of people make - they think a year is a long time and it's really not.
I really respect peple who try. People who say, No, I'm actually going to do the best I can. That said, you want to do the best you can while remaining who you are.
I certainly do believe that a lot of comedy comes from awkwardness and embarrassment - pointing out the ways things are uncomfortable. Definitely the stuff that interests me. I don't necessarily think that comedy comes from a dark place, like you have to be a strung-out heroin addict. But I don't think it comes from happiness, that's for sure. It comes from frustration and suppressed rage, and wishing the world were different.
Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
Do you guys remember that woman who disappeared a few years ago, Chandra Levy? Do you remember her? I found this fascinating. Apparently, the day she disappeared, she had gone on her computer, and the last website she ever visited was an online map of the park where her body was found. That's true. I just hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited.
Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.
I'd like to think I'm a little more memorable or specific now. People laugh at me in a way they wouldn't laugh at another comedian, rather than being like, "Okay, who's the next joke-slinger? Give me some jokes so I may laugh and go about my day!"
Of course, the world is different now. There's a glut of comedians with specials, so it's just not possible to make an impact the way Bill Cosby: Himself did. It's like, The Beatles were amazing, but it also helped that not many bands were putting out albums then.
Growing up as a comedian, the first thing you dream of is having your own album, but even more than that, I always wanted that hour special on cable.
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.
People might say, What's so great about the Arctic Monkeys? I've never even seen them. Well, you've never seen God either. You're gonna tell me he's not awesome?
