Jack Benny Quotes

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front... the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all.

Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.

Modesty is my best quality.

Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.

Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.

Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.