Daniel Tosh Quotes about Funny

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.