I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
