The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.
Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?
I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.
Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.
I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.
Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.
The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.
People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.
If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.
