Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.
Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.
Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.
Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.
Comedy is rarely funny.
The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.
Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo?
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.
Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.
There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.
