Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.
Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.
Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.
Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.
People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.
What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.
Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
