Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.
I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
