Emo Philips Quotes about Funny

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.