Emo Philips Quotes - Page 5

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.