Eugene Mirman Quotes - Page 2

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.