I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."
I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
