A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."
