Hilarious Quotes

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?