Milton Berle Quotes

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.