To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard.
Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.
I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.
If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.
I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !
Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.
I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.
I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.
Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.
Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?
I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.
You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.
