Bo Burnham Quotes

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.