I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"
I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
