Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."