Chelsea Handler Quotes

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.

As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, 'I'm a very good friend.'

If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it.