If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pay your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.
So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.
When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.
AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that.
Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
I'm attracted to heartbreakers.
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
What happened? Satan was busy?
I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.
What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?
I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.
I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.
I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.
I have lived a carnal life.
