Sarah Silverman Quotes about Funny

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black.

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.