Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!
Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.
No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.
I never could tell a joke. I just started talking to the audience, and when the drunks would yell, "Hey, when do the broads come on?" I got good at saying, "Relax. Clear your skin up first." They called me "the insult guy," but it's never mean-spirited. I'm just exaggerating everything about us and about life.
Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.
Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
You got to have a lot of courage. Secondly, whatever it is you're doing you have to believe in it wholeheartedly. Thirdly, you have to be able to stand up in front of people and know that they'll laugh.
You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it.
Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.
If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.
I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.
Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.
The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.
Women were afraid of me, they were scared to death. But I always say be yourself, if you're funny then let your sense of humor go there. I mean there's no sense hiding what you feel.
Some people call me a legend and the last of the greats, and I appreciate it.
I think they [Martin Scorsese, Johnny Carson, Frank Sinatra] liked my honesty. My personality. For that, they always treated me great. I, in turn, treated them great. No secret about it. My being who I am - that is that.
You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
