That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.
I felt like I was being attacked, personally attacked - our community was attacked. Now, I gotta get in their face. I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman. And I'm proud to be gay.
I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.
Since when did I become the spokesperson for nappy-headed hos?
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.
I think the most difficult thing about coming out is just getting to that place where you're comfortable with who you are and you're sayin' hey this is ok and just accepting yourself and not caring what other people think. Because if you don't have that confidence in who you are then, if things don't go the way you wish that they will, you know if people aren't accepting then they can easily tear you down if you're not prepared and comfortable with who you are.
I'm a comedian so I'm not waiting around for someone to write a part for me. I don't have to wait for somebody else to create my next job; I have the ability to basically write my own ticket.
I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.
I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.
Being gay is harder than being black. I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.
That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh - it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in here her sexual fantasy, and I will bet you a million dollars that it's NOT to go home and catch your man bent over with some big, burly guy standing behind him.
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' "They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?
You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.
If you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.
I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.
Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.
The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.'
I'm finally just relaxed and comfortable with who I am.
