My motto is "more mystery, less history".
It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.
When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.
[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.
I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.
I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.
I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
I'm harmless. I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you're that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it's not a great way to go.
Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
