Bill Bailey Quotes about Funny - Page 2

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.