Chris Rock Quotes about Funny - Page 2

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

Gas is getting so expensive I'm gonna ride a mexican to work.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

I don't need a president with a bucket list!

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.