Competition is the death of art.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.
Being funny is not the same as being happy.
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.
