Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.
When homeless people go camping, how do they know?
Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.
There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Life imitates art but art intimidates life.
One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
